16th August 2021 - Life n Grimes.

Evening everyone.

Things seem to be coming to a head once again and I suppose I am gonna have to have (another) dreaded talk with Lynne that I know is not only going to upset her and me as well.

I wish it did not as it would possibly make things so much easier and I probably wouldn't have to bottle things up a so much and let my fertile negative black dog captured brain turn me into a wreck of turmoil and dread!.

Last Wed Eve Fancied a ride up to Old Nick for Open Nite. Not to play but to just meet my friends who I have not seen in over 18 months or more. But she didn't want to - pointing out the bad front light on Vincent and my not enjoying night riding him.

But I was only planning on staying an hour or so and thought we could be back before it got too dark, but then she said we have not eaten either.

So I said forget it and went to bed instead. But my mind would not stop with the idea Lynne no longer wants to ride with me ! and she knows I do not like riding on my own anymore! and thinking she's trying to force me to sell Vincent.

But as I am unable to drive the van, Vincent is our only transport. but also what made my mind worse was. When I got up on Thursday she said she was going out with Zoe.

And this started my black dog ridden mind started all over again thinking she does not want me or Vincent ! (It would really be helpful if we knew it was the Black God taking over before it can do any damage, it would save a lot of heartache..)

So today I was kinda surprised when she dressed up and got on Vincent with me as I was due to go to the surgery for the nurse to look at my legs.

Even the rain could not dampen my enthusiasm as we rode down the road..........

At the surgery the nurse seemed disappointed when we didn't turn up with any dressings.

We tried to explain that we had used most of them and had a list for replacements.

She disappeared for some 10 mins and came back with some dressings and said she would have to order some !!

There was nothing special on the list and as a surgery they probably use them all the time so I cannot understand why they have to order them in ???

I tried to show her some pics of how bad my legs were when I finally gave up with trying to see anyone at the surgery and had to go to Johnson's and then straight to Peterboro hospital.

But she barely looked at them and did not seem to care.

This again starts my mind going 10 to a dozen this time with negative thoughts about our surgery just not caring about my health and has pushed me just that bit further to register somewhere else.!!

I decided I did not want to go home.

I am in some discomfort but thought the ride would do me good and help me forget about that.

So as I needed some fuel dropped Lynne of at Scooby Doo's so she could get some bits she needed. me to the petrol station and we met up at Sainsbury's.

After a very long stroll to the toilets, my kegs were not in a good place, but I was still looking for a ride out for a few hours.

But Lynne was struggling with her helmet and couldn't get it be comfortable and by the time she was ready I was now in agony!.

But I still wanted to go for a ride as I know once I am out of town The ride would help me manage the pain.

But it wasn't to be, before we had left the car park, I knew I was gonna struggle to ride home and that's what we did.

It took me a while to be able to get off Vincent! and I just went indoors took some tramadol and went to bed in disgust at Lynne and of my legs being so shit.

But once again my mind would not stop and it was telling me that Lynne was doing it on purpose!.

Again it took me 4 or 5 hours to realise I was in the grips of the black dog! well I hope I am.

Now got to pluck up some courage and try to talk to Lynne about it.
Not an easy thing as I know she is gonna get really upset at what I will try and say.

But that's best left till tomorrow I think.

I hate this so easily being convinced of these thoughts and how they are making our lives hell and so hard to live with. (It's understandable why so many marriages & relationships just do not last when depression is involved !!)

Or could it be that most of the time it can take me several hours to make up my mind to actually do anything that any disappointment is met with this negativity ???

I don't know the answer and it seems that those who are supposed to be there to help are just not available when we need them the most.

Not 3 - 6 Months nor a year waiting to see them, when it will be far too late to be of any help at all..

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